Jeff Sokol Responds to the Internet

"Jeff Sokol Responds to the Internet" Alright, let’s just get this over with. Yes, I know what the internet says about me. I see the memes. I’ve seen the TikToks. I Google my name sometimes... okay, every day. It’s... part of my process. Shut up. “Jeff Sokol: The Pizza Predator.” Really? That’s what I’m remembered for? Not the years I spent in software development? Not the time I ran a Dungeons & Dragons campaign for nine straight hours without a snack break? No. Just “Pizza Predator.” Great. And for the record—it was a medium cheese pizza. CLASSIC. Not even anything weird! “He ate pizza DURING the sting!” YEAH, WELL—I was nervous, okay? I had low blood sugar! Chris Hansen comes out, reading my DMs like a Shakespeare tragedy, and what do you want me to do? Not eat? That pizza cost $12.99. I was gonna finish it. “He fell in love with a 13-year-old decoy.” Ugh. She seemed like a really cool person, alright? We had chemistry. She liked anime. She used winky-face emojis. I didn’t know it was a 42-year-old man in a fleece jacket pretending to be a tween. Honestly? That’s entrapment. Or at least catfishing. ...Legal gray area, alright? “He brought a MARRIAGE CONTRACT.” Okay okay okay—yeah, maybe that sounds bad. But I was trying to do the right thing! In a messed-up, statutory, legally-illiterate way, but STILL. I printed it from microsoft word. I thought that showed initiative. You ever try to groom someone responsibly? It’s harder than it looks! “He looks like an overcooked Hot Pocket in plaid.” …Okay that’s just mean. There’s no need for personal attacks on my appearance. I was sweating! That sting house was humid! And I have an unfortunate slouch due to a mild curvature in my spine. Sorry I’m not sexy, internet! “He tried to change his name but got recognized anyway.” YEAH, WELL, I HAD TO. You ever try ordering a pizza when your name is synonymous with child predation and stuffed crust? Even the delivery guy gives me side eye. One time I ordered Domino’s and the guy wrote “Bailey” on the box in Sharpie. I tipped him in tears. “He’s on every sex offender list, probably banned from Pizza Hut.” Oh, haha, real funny. I’m not even allowed to be in the same ZIP code as a Chuck E. Cheese. And don't even get me started on job interviews. “Hi Jeff, can you tell us why you left your last position?” Uhhh, well, it’s complicated. See, I went viral on Dateline for trying to commit a felony while holding a pizza box. ...And also there was a marriage contract. My life is over. I’m a punchline. People dress as me for Halloween. But do I deserve all this? ...Maybe. Probably. Okay, fine. YES. But do y’all have to be so damn funny about it? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna eat a sad little salad and scroll through more hate threads about myself. Because I’m Jeff Sokol. And apparently I’m gonna die as a cautionary tale... with ranch dressing on my shirt.