dating nightmare

[Spoken Intro] Yo, picture this: Saturday night, the bros all unite, Homie’s last hurrah before he boards that honeymoon flight. Bachelor party vibes, beers cold, the screen is lit, Controller in hand — feelin' like a king, this is it. (KING OF THE couch!) Then the chatter starts flowin’, you know how it be, These married dudes flexin’ — wives, kids, and misery. (send help!) And there I sit, lone wolf in a pack gone wifed, The last single guy... questioning life. (Yeah, it's just me, baby!) [instrumental break, turntablists] [Verse 1 – The Sweetheart Swindle] At first glance, man, she was the chick of my dreams, Beautiful, clever, or so it sincerely seems. (Love at first swipe!) We chatted for hours, her logic was deep, I swore, Meaningful words, and her pic? Yeah, I wanted more. [short instrumental] So we met on a date, my heart was a drumbeat loud, Just as pretty in person, standing out from the crowd. Pulled up in my ride, felt like a movie scene's start, Then she looked at my whip, like "Is that your trash can for a car?" (Damm, okay?!) [short instrumental] I was shook for a second, tried to just laugh it off, We walked and we talked, but man, she just liked to scoff. (Ego damage: high!) No deep thoughts in her head, her vibe was totally gone, Like I met her shallow twin, from dusk 'til the break of dawn. [short instrumental] Then she scoffed at the dinner, said "This place ain't for me," Was expecting a Michelin, but yo, I'm a student, you see! (Broke life chose me) Told her straight up, "I'm broke, not no Scrooge McDuck," Her eyes just rolled back, and I knew I was outta luck. (Rest In Peace, Dignity) [Chorus 1] So I left! Yeah, I bounced, like a boss on the fly, But honestly, my tail was tucked low between my legs, no lie. (Woof Woof) Not sure what that chick really wanted, felt a creepy vibe, Pretty on the surface, but shallow, shallow deep inside. (Depth: four-o-four not found) [instrumental break, turntablists] [Verse 2 – The Gym Bro Surprise] Okay, after that first one, I was slightly doubtful, for sure, But they say the first flop means the next one's gotta endure. (Hope is a liar) So I tried again, new profile, a fresh, hopeful gaze, And oh my god, that next girl, caught in a hazy daze! [short instrumental] She talked all the time about the gym and her gains so grand, Looked like a model, strong behind, could use it as a weapon in hand. (Weaponized Glutes... mmm) My curiosity sparked, started chatting, like, "What's her deal?" Soon enough we decided to hook up, make this whole thing feel real. [short break] She arrived, taller than me, had more muscle than me, it's true, She deadlifted me then, like, "What you gonna do?" (help!) Marched straight to the gym, said "I'll make you a real man today!" (Not in a sexy way, though, mama, help, I had to pray!) [short instrumental] Three hours later, after lifting those bars like a slave, I finally found my chance, a small moment to save. Had to sneak away, man, or more like I slithered and swayed, On my wobbly legs, a snail's escape, totally played! (cardio: not my vibe) [Chorus 2 – The Self-Preservation Shuffle] So I walked away, yeah, my tail tucked tight between my legs, (Woof Woof) Protecting my manhood from becoming a man, no begs. Why would you want to change who I am? That's just not my style, I'm a dweeb, okay? Not a Superman, let's leave it that way for a while! (Dweebs, unite!) [instrumental break, turntablists] [Verse 3 – The Filtered Fraud] Alright, I should've quit, swore off the whole damn chase, But hope springs eternal, a smile on my foolish face. (Mistake number three) Met this next cutie, like from an anime, pure delight, Sweet voice, cute face, sweet everything, glowin' in the light. [short instrumental] She was legal, adult, a real dream, no joke or debate, Facetimed with her, yep, the girl was legit, sealed by fate. We chatted for ages, just to make sure it was truly it, Set a meetup, I'm waiting, hoping this search would just quit. [short instrumental] Then someone approached me, I didn't recognize her at first, Same voice, yeah, but the rest? My bubble just totally burst! (who is that?!) Different face, different frame — pushing forty in high stride, This wasn't my anime girl, where did that vision just hide? (Butt-man, save me!) [short instrumental] She grinned, apologized, said "Filters can bend the light," Tried to walk and to talk, but that "eek!" just stayed burning bright. (liar liar, filter on fire!) What other dark secrets are you keeping, hiding so deep? Behind all those filters, like some maniac, while the truth goes to sleep? (Scooby-doo, unmasked!) [Chorus 3 – The Canyon of Lies] So I left! Yeah, I bounced, with my tail tucked low between my legs, (Woof! Woof!) ... Protecting my life from you, just in case, no questions, no begs. That "reality gap" was too much, a deceptive facade, Pretty on the profile, but in person, just straight-up fraud! (Catfish Masterclass!) [instrumental with turntablists] [Outro – The Honest Plea] [Beat fades slightly. Almost spoken word with sarcastic wisdom] Yeah, it's wild out there, fellas, straight-up digital jungle, no lie. (Wild, but not in a good way!) Seriously though, what's the whole dang point? I gotta ask you why? Like, you show up, right? And it's not even the same person, man, It's like ordering a pizza and getting a... a stinky shoe in your hand! (Extra cheese? Nah, extra cheezy. *crazy laughter*) But for real, it just makes zero sense, this whole misleading parade. Why put on a whole show? Why be a human charade? There's literally billions of people walking on this blue ball, Somebody, somewhere, is actually into the real you, flaws and all! (Someone loves your weird toes. *maniacal laughter*) So just cut the crap, be honest from the jump, plain and true, Save us all a whole lot of weird dates, and a whole lot of running too. And maybe then… I’ll finally walk without my tail tucked tight behind. [short silent pause] [Faint, distant, muffled voice shouts] ("Yo, Cheers, SINGLE GUY!")