Trump Standup Comedy Act.

You know what they say about the donut holes in life? They're like Trump's hair always trying to stick together, but ultimately just separate and falling apart. [chuckles from the audience] But seriously, folks, have you seen the way Trump tweets? It's like he's trying to cram 140 words into a Twitter-sized anus. "I'm gonna build this wall, I'm gonna make Mexico pay for it... no, wait, actually, just Google it yourself." [audience laughter] And don't even get me started on his hair. It's like he stuck his finger in a socket and got electrocuted by the style gods. "This is my great and powerful hairstyle!" No, Donald, this is what happens when you stick a fork in a toaster. [roaring laughter] Now, I know some of you might be thinking, "But , he's a successful businessman." Successful? At being a billionaire clown who's never done anything except get richer by exploiting loopholes and stiffing small business owners? That's not success – that's like me claiming I'm a master chef because I can make a mean PB&J sandwich... with a side of condescending, tone-deaf tweets. [audience laughter] And have you seen his "alternative facts"? It's like he hired a team of mathematically-challenged accountants to tell him what numbers would get the most attention from the media. "I'm gonna make America great again... no, wait, actually, just make the numbers look good and hope nobody notices!" [audience laughter] But in all seriousness, folks, Donald Trump is like a bad rash – he's contagious, annoying, and impossible to ignore until you get rid of him. So let's all take a deep breath, stand together, and remember we are the United States of America... not the Trumpton Empire! [audience applause] And if you don't like it, well... just Google it yourself. [in a smooth, observational tone] Trump is like the ultimate participation trophy winner and whiner simultaneously. He shows up, violent racist rhetoric in his tiny lil bitty hands waves then around like an oompah loompah with turrets syndrome , and then he complains when nobody gives him the award. "I'm a winner! its a witch hunt i'm a victim!" No, wait! Please, just give me the participation trophy because I showed up! I Am Entitled!" [audience laughter] And have you seen his press conferences? It's like his cult is trying to "out-ego" one another with the most ridiculous statements. "I know more about intelligence than any expert... For a low low grifter fee, I can teach you the art of the deal, You can Google it yourself and claim you're an expert too!" [roaring laughter] But seriously, folks, Trump is like a one-man circus – minus the skill, talent, or actual entertainment value. He's got his own personal brand of chaos, where he just shows up and expects everyone to be impressed by his presence. Newsflash it's not working That Mans Head Is Leaking, and The Woman Over There Just Said Jewish Space Lasers Sir!! [audience applause] [roaring laughter] But seriously, folks, Trump is like a one-man circus, The Convicted Felon and Oompah Loompa Geriatric King Of The Cult – minus the skill, talent, or actual entertainment value of course. [roaring laughter] Thank you for coming out tonight folks, you've been amazing! Take care of yourself, and one another, Its a crazy ass world out there America!