Hello! Is this Jim? Congratulations! You’ve been pre-approved for our Exclusive Super-Premium Platinum Elite Gold Diamond Loyalty Reward Offer Program! This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is practically free… Just a small one-time enrollment fee of $19.99! (Wow, really? And what does this “Exclusive Super-Premium Platinum Elite Gold Diamond” thing do?) Oh, only the best of the best, sir! You’ll get access to a 24/7 VIP hotline that connects you to… um… specially trained representatives who will listen to your problems. They won’t solve them, but hey, they’ll listen, which is almost the same thing! (For $19.99, huh? Can’t beat that value.) Absolutely! But wait, since you sound like such a discerning individual, I can upgrade you to our Triple-Platinum-Elite-Beyond-Diamond-Status for just $49.99! This includes instant access to a private VIP lounge… in your own home! All you have to do is picture it, and boom—there it is! (A lounge I have to imagine… so it’s like, invisible?) Yes, yes, exactly! It’s the next big thing! Now, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but because you seem like someone who appreciates value, let’s throw in our Celebrity Interaction Bundle for an additional $129.99! With this package, you’ll receive exclusive voice recordings of celebrities saying “hello” to you. We have Christopher Walken saying, “Hey… Jim!” AND Arnold Schwarzenegger saying, “I’m here to pump you up!” (Wow, I can’t believe this is all in one call!) It is, Jim! But if you ACT NOW, I can include our Top-Tier Ultra Mega Max Enhanced Deluxe Supreme Experience for an extra $299.99! This is serious. You’ll get imaginary stock shares in a completely fictional offshore company that we’re pretty sure might exist! (That’s… innovative. And the cost?) An absolute bargain at $599.99! Just think, for that price, you’ll get invisible shares in a company you can’t even Google! Plus, there’s free enrollment in our Global Premium Galactic Interstellar Reward Tier, which gives you exclusive coupons for interplanetary space travel. When the technology’s ready, you’ll be the first in line! (But what if I’m really looking for, like… VIP VIP service?) I’m glad you asked, Jim. For just $1,999.99, we’re prepared to offer our Time Traveler's Elite VIP Experience! You will receive personalized horoscopes delivered straight from the past! And once our time-travel department figures out how to reverse engineer calendars, you’ll get daily weather reports from any day in history! (You’re saying for $1,999, I can know yesterday’s weather?) Exactly, sir! And, and—because you’re obviously someone who appreciates finer things—I have one more offer. This is exclusive. We can enroll you in the Ultimate Reality-Bending CEO Tier, for only $9,999.99. This unlocks all dimensions of existence. Every version of you across every universe will get a commemorative digital postcard with a picture of… you! $19.99!